THE HORROR OF SWIMSUITS (For Your Enjoyment)

I came across this in my internet travels and split my sides laughing, so I thought I would pass it on. Enjoy!

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a damn good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I re-aligned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment. The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play-doh wearing undersize cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh,they are YOU!" she said, admiring the bathers. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high-cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally I found a costume that fit...a two-piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said 'Material may become transparent in water", but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand. ~By Ingrid Saxten~

BRAGGING RIGHTS

I managed to meet another one of my goals this month - I ran for 3 miles! I haven't greatly increased my speed - just a little, but increased my time. I lost another pound too - that's a total of 13. I had a few days when I let up on my diet too much even though I never lost control and I think my body had adjusted to my exercise routine that's why I didn't lose more. Now, I have changed my routine again to push my body into weight loss mode again.

DOING THINGS ROSS RIVER STYLE

Who ever thought life in Ross River was dull. It seems that we have been pretty busy lately. Anyways, today we went to the funeral of a local man. Brian had been one of the ambulance attendants to go to his house after his wife found him dead. We didn't know him well. He and his wife ran the local bottle depot, so I knew him from there. It was very interesting to say the least. It was held in the gathering room at the school with all the building supplies and computers from student projects pushed to the side. It started about 20 minutes late and only lasted for 10 minutes. Apparently the family wanted the service to be kept short. In that time Tim, the pastor, gave a very short message, read from the Bible, comforted the family and read the eulogy, and a family friend shared a short remembrance of him. There was an open mic for people to say something about him, but no one did. After that I guess a bunch of people were going to the house for a get together. We passed on that since we didn't really know him well. I must say that is the shortest funeral I have ever been too.

"SPRING BREAK"????

O.K. I am thinking of officially changing the name of this break to "winter holiday." I'm serious, how can it be "Spring break" when the temperature is reaching -48 and when you wake up there is ice fog? We have all these plans for things to do around the house during the break, but due to the extreme cold we can't do anything. Hopefully it won't last too long. I just hope everyone in Whitehorse for the Canada Games is enjoying the weather. They are usually about 10 degrees warmer in the winter, but they get a lot more wind. According to the Environment Canada weather website they are at about -36 but it should be warming up today. Mind you the website also says that it is -43 here, so take it for what you will. (5 degrees at this temp is a huge difference.) So, anyways it looks like another day will be spent indoors with my book and a blanket. I guess I can't complain about that.

A NEW BLOG

This site is under construction. I am closing my previous blog (too many problems) and moving everything here (hopefully). Check again soon.

THEY DID IT! THEY DID IT!

As you may recall, a few weeks ago we gave our kids an ultimatum: you need to get 80% on your tests or you will be looking at an hour of homework every night in that subject. We didn't do this because we are maniacal parents bent on torturing our kids. Rather we found that they were rushing through their tests and not paying proper attention. We also felt that considering the school they attend (standards are usually lower than normal), 80% was not unrealistic. Josh is a math genius (I am not making this up!) and his big problem was making silly mistakes like adding instead of subtracting even when he wrote down the right equation. I am proud to say that he got 100% on his last test.



Hannah was the poor sap that ended up doing an hour of math homework for the past month. She was so good about it and never once complained. When she had her test on Tuesday she managed to get 84%! I am so proud of her. She got the highest mark in her class. Her teacher knows the deal we have with them so he told her she had 79%. Unfortunately he started laughing so she didn't have too much lamenting time.

So all this just goes to prove that my kids definitely inherited my genius! LOL!

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A GREAT NEW SHOW

O.K. we all know that CBC is notorious for airing crappy canadian-made shows. However, sometimes they seem to hit on something that is great. For example, Rick Mercer - he's one of my favourites. A new show that started just after Christmas is Little Mosque on the Prairie.
I know is sounds pathetic, but it is hilarious. I remember seeing the ads for it before I watched it and thinking "there's another show to pass". Then Brian decided to watch it one day and we discovered that it is really good. It is from the viewpoint of the muslim community and portrays them as they really are (they are not all terrorists). It takes place in a small prairie town and they are sharing a church building with the Anglican church. They have some great one-liners. So, if you get the chance give this show a try. Hopefully you will like it.

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JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT'S ALMOST OVER

I think that we have been getting a little disillusional around here. Maybe it's the thought of "spring" break. We actually thought that winter was coming to a relative close - you know, temperatures staying -15 or above for another month or two, then the end of winter. However, we were sadly brought back to reality last night when the temperatures just kept dropping. We woke up this morning to -42. I guess it's time to pull out the parkas again. Maybe Mother Nature just wanted to give everyone coming to the Canada Winter Games a real northern welcome. I don't mind the temperature too much, at least we don't have a wind with that, but I think I am just tired of winter. Tired of having to put on winter boots, parka, hat, mitts and snow pants everytime I go outside. On the bright side - the skidoo is still going strong. Speaking of the skidoo I have another story: (This is more on the story in my last post.) Here's a quick update - A couple weeks ago I found the ring that holds the ignition switch in place on the ground beside the skidoo. I thought it was odd, this being a brand new skidoo. I picked it up, put it in my pocket and forgot about it. When I opened up the casing, I found a wire from the ignition was actually broken right off, and the switch was only held on by one of two wire clips. Anyways, the skidoo is still lacking power, so I mentioned what had happened to one of the teachers thinking he would know what was wrong. As soon as I mentioned the ignition switch, he said someone was trying to hotwire your skidoo. A couple weeks ago there were a couple guys that went on a spree stealing skidoos and vehicles. Needless to say after work I immediately went to the store and purchased a good chain and a lock and the skidoo is now locked onto the front porch post. I figure if it is there Oscar will hear anyone messing around with it and let us know. So, that is what has been happening in my life lately.
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SOME OF EVERYTHING

Let's see, we have had a fairly busy few days. I returned to my regular job on Friday. I was really tired and had to drag myself there, but I did it. At about 10:00 one of Josh's friends got a call from his Mom saying that his swab had come back positive for strep throat. This immediately got me thinking that I should check Josh's throat since they had been hanging out together and he has been feeling very under the weather lately. So, I pulled him out of math class, grabbed a flashlight and had a look at the tonsils. As I suspected he had white spots on his tonsils - a sure sign of strep throat. So, at about 10:15 Josh and I headed over to the health centre. An hour later Josh headed home armed with antibiotics, and I went back to work. I ended up working about 2/3 of my normal day. Good thing too since I was so tired.
Brian spent the whole day Saturday taking a CPR course. He paid for it later in the evening with an extremely sore shoulder. I guess he was being used as the "patient" at one point and they were rolling him in to the recovery position. It didn't really matter which side they tried to roll him onto, his shoulder was screaming for them to stop - which they did, but unfortunately, the damage was done. While he was there Josh and I went for a ski-doo ride. We came home and when I went to start the ski-doo again the ignition (which had worked loose) fell into the covered area by the handle. After searching through the toolbox for the right screw driver and not finding it, I found that the on-board toolbox has everything I needed. So, I dismantled the cover pulled out the ignition and waited for Brian to come and put everything back together. So, now everything is back in working order. It's a good thing too since we will be using the ski-doo to get more firewood over spring break.
Speaking of spring break, we are starting on Wednesday afternoon. We have school in the morning, lunch at school and then we are off for 2 weeks. Our break is early and longer this year due to the Canada Games being held in Whitehorse. We have absolutely no intention of going near Whitehorse during the games because it will be so crowded there and absolute chaos. We are going to spend the time relaxing and doing some needed work around the house.
That's about all for now. Have a great day.
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KEEPING LIFE INTERESTING

First of all, I had a great time at the first aid course. The man that teaches it is the pastor in Faro. He is a wonderful teacher. All the work is so hands on - you get to practice everything. Everyone was so friendly and chatty. It was a great opportunity to get to know more people in the community. I passed and am good for another 3 years.On another note, my Mom sent me the following video. We all really enjoyed it. Hope you do too.




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ARE YOU O.K.? DO YOU FEEL ANY PAIN?

These are the questions I will be asking soon. I am starting a first aid course today. It is just basic first aid with CPR - a requirement for my job. The best part is that is providing a relief from the routine of my job. The downside is that I will be very sedentary for the next 2 days. Oh well, it will be interesting.
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VALENTINE'S DAY

I am so excited - I have a date for Valentine's Day! LOL! They are having a special Valentine's Day dinner at the local restaurant. (It's the only one in town.) We went a couple years ago and it was really nice. So yesterday I noticed the ad for it this year and I pulled the Sadie Hawkins thing and asked Brian out on a date. This is really something because we have never really celebrated Valentine's Day. When we were first married we were really poor and found that days like this just put too much strain on our relationship. So we just got in the habit of letting the day pass as any other. Now we still don't go all out, obviously, but we try to do something together. Actually we have such a great relationship that everyday is like Valentine's Day (aww). For obvious reasons I don't want chocolate (down 12 pounds now), and you can't get flowers here anyways. In light of all that I've just said:

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WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???

We had an eventful day yesterday. Besides the usual weekend round of chores, we also decided to take a run to the dump with the garbage. This is amazing because if we had changed anything we had done, the following would not have happened. We had to drop off stuff I had bought for another teacher first, then we started heading up to the dump. We weren't in a hurry and were just taking our time. When we got to the intersection by our old house there were 3 kids on a ski-doo. They were driving around kind of crazy - making tight turns, racing on and off the road. The guy on the back is quite large and he was leaning from side to side for no reason. If you have been on a ski-doo you know that you lean into turns and if you are on a slanted surface you lean to the top of the slant. Anyways, we stayed behind them because they kept going on the road and we didn't want to have an accident. As we were watching them, we both said they are going to tip if they are not careful. Wouldn't you know it, no sooner had we said it than, they tipped. The guy on the back was leaning down the hill. Huh? What was he thinking? We jumped out of the truck and ran over to them. No one was seriously hurt. The two on the back had managed to jump clear, but the driver had the ski-doo roll over her and land on her ankle. Lucky for her all she had was a scrape and probably bruising. She could easily have broken her leg because the natural instinct is to put your foot down when you start to tip. We took her to the health centre anyways, just to be sure. Once the nurse came we left them there and went to the dump. When we got back to town there they were racing around on the ski-doo again. Hopefully this time they were smarter because I wasn't about to follow them around for the day.
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EVER WONDER WHY?

There is definitely something that makes boys do crazy things. Perhaps it is the desire to impress the girls. Who knows. It was this undefined thing that caused Josh and his friends to do something crazy on Thursday evening. They went to gym night and were having a great time. Then one of them got it into their head that running barefoot in the snow would be really manly. So, off came the shoes and socks and they raced out to the garbage bin and back - a distance of about 15 feet each way. However, that was not cold enough or manly enough. So, they decided to run over to the fence and back - a distance of about 75 feet each way. This would be a bad idea at any time, but when it is -30 outside it is kind of moronic. But, being manly men, they all had to run the gauntlet. Luke, one of Josh's friends had to run it twice because one of the younger boys fell and Luke ran out to carry him back. Needless to say there were a number of boys limping around on very sore feet on Friday. Luke's were so sore he couldn't even walk to school. Now, it is Sunday and they are still feeling the effects of their adventure. No one ended up with frost bite, thank goodness, but their feet are very red still. Let's just say this is one idea that won't be tried again any time soon.

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THE INFAMOUS "SLEEPOVER"

Do you ever notice that a "sleepover" actually involves very little sleep? Last night Hannah wanted to have a sleepover at her friends house. We reluctantly said o.k. However, much to our delight (ha!ha!) they decided to have the sleepover here instead. Needless to say, since it was Friday and being the partier that I am, I was in bed and asleep by 8:00. Unbeknownst to me great transformations were taking place. Here is some of the evidence.

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TEENAGERS!

Actually I love having teenagers. I love the fact that they are so independent. I also hate the fact that they are so independent. Sometimes it would still be nice if they needed me a little more. However, I am adjusting quite well (usually) to their lives without too much parent interference. Gone are the days when they tell me everything. We are very fortunate that our kids aren't rebellious and full of attitude. In fact, they still keep us laughing and we are a very close knit family. When I took the girls to Whitehorse last week we were shopping and Hannah found these cool speakers and even wanted my opinion whether she should buy them. Of course, being the great Mom that I am I didn't interfere - I just said if you really want them.

Aren't they great? They hook right up to her ipod and actually produce a fairly decent sound. She also got a pair of furry headphones to match. They totally suit Hannah's personality.
So, basically that is my life with teenagers - lots of homework and loads of fun!
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OLD AGE IS CREEPING UP

I bet you think this post is about me - think again! Apparently I'm not the only one getting old around here. Brian is also finding out that he's not as young as he would like to think. His shoulder has been bothering him for a couple weeks. I think he has just been doing what are usually normal things: lifting heavy things, chin-ups, skiing. Also our computer chair arm was broken and when you spend a lot of time on the computer the arm rest really makes a difference. Then last week we took the grade 1 and 2 class sliding. He was at the top of the hill giving all the kids a push. The next day he drove to Whitehorse, so that is 5 hours of driving with no support on your arm. He went bowling while there, 2 days in a row. Then he had the 5 hour drive home. He was still o.k. until we went skiing on Sunday. By Monday morning he was in severe pain. He suffered through the day at school, with the students doing all the writing on the board for him, before he was able to go to the health centre where they discovered he has tendonistis in his shoulder. So, now he is on extra doses of Advil until things clear up. Aahhh, isn't getting older fun??? We are still not what I would consider old (like 90), but things are definitely starting to change.
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MY NEW OBSESSION

As you may know, I tend to be very obsessive about some things. One of these things is my weight. Sometimes I just don't care, but other times it's all I think about. Guess what? I am thinking about it lately. The site (spark people) I recently joined is so helpful. On this site I can choose what nutrients I want to keep an eye on. So, for instance, I have to watch my cholesterol and choose to also watch my sodium and fibre intake. I entered in what days I want to exercise and when I would like to reach my goal weight. Then each day I just enter in what I eat and what exercise I do and it keeps track of everything for me. I am finding that if I am carefully tracking everything I eat, I don't eat too much. They also have message boards. People are very supportive. Let me encourage you, if you are trying to lose weight, try this site out. Believe it or not, I am actually looking forward to weighing myself so that it will show up on my tracker.
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WHO EVER HEARD OF A MACHINE DOING YOUR WORK???

That is what we were starting to think in this house. However we have now been saved from the backbreaking labour of washing dishes by hand. Between Christmas and New Years we decided to install our portable dishwasher. We had already acquired the necessary kit to make the conversion. All we had to do was take off the sides, make a few changes, take out the now unnecessary cupboards and slide the dishwasher in. Right? How wrong can a person be??? It turned out that the kit did not include a very important adaptor piece. Seeing as how we live where we do there were no parts in town that would do the job. So, we phoned Whitehorse and of course they needed to see what we were attaching to. When I went in to town last week I took the part with me, but by the time I got there the plumbing store was closed for the weekend. Thank goodness Brian was going in during the week and was able to get the piece. Now, just to pull out the dishwasher install said piece and be done in 10 minutes. Of course this was just a dream. This part was tricky to install in the first place but with the adaptor now attached it had morphed into something that had no place on the dishwasher at all. After about an hour of looking at it and trying to make it fit we finally just jimmied it into place and hooked everything up. We also put insulation around the dishwasher when we installed it so it is very quiet - You kind of forget it is even in operation. The kids are very happy - no more hand washing dishes. Unless, that is, they complain about emptying the dishwasher. Thanks Brian for all your hard work in spite of your shoulder that is aching in your old age!
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CAN SOMEONE PLEASE BRING HIM BACK DOWN TO EARTH?

As you may know, Brian started his own blog in November. He mostly talks about science issues. (Note: if you are a Christian you may not like his blog, but please don't take offense.) His greatest wish was to be noticed by some of the great science bloggers. Well, last week one of his favourite bloggers sandwalk recognized his site and commented on it. His blog count sky rocketed. Nothing compared to today though. Today he was recognized by his very favourite blogger - PZ Myers on pharyngula. His stat count has steadily been climbing and so has his excitement. I am really happy for him. The only worry is that I won't be able to live with him. LOL.
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USING WHATEVER TOOLS ARE AVAILABLE

Well, my weight loss plan is going well, however, I find it difficult to keep track of my food intake. It is so easy to add too many calories to my diet. Sometimes you don't even realize how much you have actually consumed. so, I looked online and found sparkpeople.com It is a site that tracks your weight loss. You enter in what you eat and it calculates the amount of calories, carbs, protien, etc. You can add all the things you want to track. It also keeps track of your exercise. I find that these tools really help to keep me focused. So, I will just keep on working at it and hopefully be looking great by summer. If not maybe I will order Spanx as featured on Oprah yesterday. It is a control garment. Even Tyra Banks wears one, so I don't feel so bad!
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LEFT ON MY OWN

Well, it looks like I am in the same boat as Joanne for a while. Brian left today to take his class to Whitehorse. They are going to the Polar Games. Grade 5/6 students from across the Yukon go to Whitehorse and participate in various sports (curling, bowling, basketball, etc). They also have a dance for them and take them all swimming. It will be a very busy time for him. I'm sure he will be very relieved when he gets home on Saturday evening. As always, it is difficult to give up half your weekend for these things. However, in the meantime it is just the kids and I. I asked Hannah what we should do without Dad and of course she said "party!" Actually we probably won't do much of anything - same old, same old. I just hope nobody needs help with math homework in the next 2 days. lol.
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