THE HORROR OF SWIMSUITS (For Your Enjoyment)

I came across this in my internet travels and split my sides laughing, so I thought I would pass it on. Enjoy!

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a damn good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I re-aligned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment. The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play-doh wearing undersize cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh,they are YOU!" she said, admiring the bathers. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high-cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally I found a costume that fit...a two-piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said 'Material may become transparent in water", but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand. ~By Ingrid Saxten~

BRAGGING RIGHTS

I managed to meet another one of my goals this month - I ran for 3 miles! I haven't greatly increased my speed - just a little, but increased my time. I lost another pound too - that's a total of 13. I had a few days when I let up on my diet too much even though I never lost control and I think my body had adjusted to my exercise routine that's why I didn't lose more. Now, I have changed my routine again to push my body into weight loss mode again.

DOING THINGS ROSS RIVER STYLE

Who ever thought life in Ross River was dull. It seems that we have been pretty busy lately. Anyways, today we went to the funeral of a local man. Brian had been one of the ambulance attendants to go to his house after his wife found him dead. We didn't know him well. He and his wife ran the local bottle depot, so I knew him from there. It was very interesting to say the least. It was held in the gathering room at the school with all the building supplies and computers from student projects pushed to the side. It started about 20 minutes late and only lasted for 10 minutes. Apparently the family wanted the service to be kept short. In that time Tim, the pastor, gave a very short message, read from the Bible, comforted the family and read the eulogy, and a family friend shared a short remembrance of him. There was an open mic for people to say something about him, but no one did. After that I guess a bunch of people were going to the house for a get together. We passed on that since we didn't really know him well. I must say that is the shortest funeral I have ever been too.

"SPRING BREAK"????

O.K. I am thinking of officially changing the name of this break to "winter holiday." I'm serious, how can it be "Spring break" when the temperature is reaching -48 and when you wake up there is ice fog? We have all these plans for things to do around the house during the break, but due to the extreme cold we can't do anything. Hopefully it won't last too long. I just hope everyone in Whitehorse for the Canada Games is enjoying the weather. They are usually about 10 degrees warmer in the winter, but they get a lot more wind. According to the Environment Canada weather website they are at about -36 but it should be warming up today. Mind you the website also says that it is -43 here, so take it for what you will. (5 degrees at this temp is a huge difference.) So, anyways it looks like another day will be spent indoors with my book and a blanket. I guess I can't complain about that.

A NEW BLOG

This site is under construction. I am closing my previous blog (too many problems) and moving everything here (hopefully). Check again soon.